My husband and I have been married for 10 years. Our anniversary was last week. We've been together for 13 years. IOW's since his oldest was 5, almost 6 and his youngest was 4 and turned 5 five months after we became "us." I have to own many things that transpired over the time period that preceded my sobriety date. I wasn't a bad stepmom, but I wasn't a great stepmom either.
I have my faults which include holding others an arms length away and I can see how that might have left the guys with the impression that I didn't care. It wasn't about them though. I've always loved them very deeply, I just wasn't able to show it.
I cannot expect them to read my mind. And I have to say that it's pretty hurtful when my birthday comes and goes without even an email to say, "Happy Birthday!" It also hurts that after all of these years, I've only received one email card to wish me a happy mother's day. I realize that this is my issue though, it's not theirs. I know that I'm not their Mom. I don't need anyone to remind me of this. I am painfully aware that this isn't the case.
It's my own insecurity that causes the issue. I don't know if they love me or if they just tolerate me because I'm married to their Dad. I would really like to at least feel like we can be friends. Maybe like an Aunt instead of a stepmom.
Please pray that God will change my heart and see things for what they are instead of what I think that I need. There were some things that were said last night that have me reeling. I'm trying very hard to be respectful of boundaries with my hubby's ex. I wanted to send her an email wishing her a Happy Mother's day. I didn't get the response that I anticipated. I think that the word used in regard to my asking if it would be okay was met with the word "odd" and that didn't make any sense to me at all.
Thanks for taking the time to read this. If you have suggestions: please feel free to share them with me.
Posts
![[Valid Atom1.0]](validatom.png "Validate my Atom 1.0 feed")
8 comments:
I think what is happening in what you describe here is more common than I would like to believe.
My heart goes out to you and all those who feel unappreciated. I truly believe that in a lot of cases, they are more appreciated than either they or those who appreciate them realize. (Hope you understand that.)
I believe all the blended family situations are just very difficult for everyone to handle and even more so for the children.
I do know that with time these situations often turn around.
Just continue to work on yourself, continue to allow God to grow in you, continue to be as loving with these children as you are, and ask God to help, and things have a good chance of improving.
My prayers and love heading your way,
Prayer Girl
Thank you so much, PG. I needed to be reminded that the world really doesn't revolve around me. Thank you for your continued support.
I hope you've had a wonderful Mother's Day!!
Sometimes it seems step kids are torn. They don't want to be disloyal to their mothers. Maybe the mother is still angry about your marriage, even if she acts as if she doesn't care.
I think it's a tough spot for the kids. If they treat you with respect, perhaps you will have to accept that as all they can give.
When I married PG, her daughter was age 8, and the next twelve years were HELL for me. The utter, complete indifference I experienced, the fact I was a non-person, invisible--for 15 years, almost drove me to divorce, But I did not drink!
That same daughter is here right by my chair, but she cannot see what I'm writing. And I must tell you, she is most loving, kind, considerate, helpful to me. AND if I'm in a mentally troublesome state
she will sit up with me (a years ago, e.g.,), and offer support, hugs, and even cry with me.
Life is SO much better, I don't know what happened to make the change though. God? (Did I need to put a question mark there?
i know exactly how you feel. it is hard to stand in your own truth sometimes. i spent mothers day frustrated and angry because i didn't see the point in it anymore. when mom was alive i made such a huge deal to honor her life and now that she is gone, what is the point. and i am a mom but i do not feel like i am any good, because of my insecurities and my stupid mouth never says what i want it to say when i try to speak and it all comes out backwards. i know that reading your blog has made me feel a lot better today so thanks so much and know that you are not alone in your feelings, going through steps is hard but so rewarding. right now i am stuck on the 6th step and i am finding new character defects daily.
Mother's Day used to be hard for me since I don't have kids. I did want them and it just never happened and my husband did not want to adopt. I had to grieve it and give it to God. It was a long process So, I can relate to the sadness of unmet expectations. Mine were with God. I am 40 and everyone my age has kids.
I am so sorry that they did not recognize you.
What I try to do with people who can't or won't bless me is to try to reduce my expectations to zero. Sometimes I can do it and sometimes I slip and still expect. Then I am usually disappointed and sad. It is definitely a journey. By the way, thanks for coming to my blog. :)
Finally Free
{{{{{Heather}}}}}
I'm sorry that your blended family situation has not been smooth for you. I know your heart is in the right place. I hope God is able to help you make peace, however that means.
Heather, I hope that things will go better in the relationship. I guess I've found that if I lower my expectations of others, I may get what I want.
Post a Comment